If you were to paint your self on a big canvas, how would it be like? If you had all the skills an artist could have, how would you draw your life? How do you see yourself?
That's not so easy. I'm currently struggling through life now. I see myself as a small fish in an ocean that you don't want to catch, I see myself as a tiny piece of crumbles that you don't wanna eat, I see myself as a rotten candy on the back of the shelf that you don't even notice it's there. And how you see yourself effects on how others see you. I know that I really do. But it's still hard for me to go out there. I still wanna stay in this comfort zone, in this little place I call home. I'm scared to see what's out there cause there's too many things going on. I have my lovers my best friends, but that's not enough.
In high school, I'm always in that "It Girls" squad but I'm always on the bottom list. I've always been that least person anyone wants to hang out with. One of my best friend once said "If we weren't nice to you, you'd be anti-social" and that one harsh words is still hanging around my head even though she said it a year ago. I always want to try to open up more but not everybody can see "me". There's this one girl who hates me and that girl happens to have the power to make everybody else hate me too. I depend too much on people. I sacrifice too much. When I don't even get anything in return.
I've never been in the center stage, I've never been the spotlight. I'm always that one girl you never notice in a crowd of screaming fans. Sometimes it distresses me cause I can't be me around specific people sometimes. When all I wanted is for people to see me, because I know there's a side of me that is amusing and interesting, I just need to show it.
But somehow, everything's hard. I'm having a hard time trusting. My life is so plain at the moment. The only thing that makes me happy is my lover. I am so lucky to have him. He accepts me, and tells me about the things I shouldn't do and things I should do. I'm still lucky to have someone who understands and accepts me.
So I paint life as an ocean, plain and beautiful at once outside, but there's a lot of going on in the inside, you just need to dive in and see to enjoy it.
P.s. take me back to this island